This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

A few hours ago my uncle and his kids left to do their daily sightseeing.  My cousin J was in the bathroom for a while.  Anyway, I had been waiting for them to leave because I had to take a shower.  I do my usual routine and ask if anyone needs to use the bathroom before I go in.  My grandmother says yes, but she comes out and says that the toilet is clogged.  I hear my mother and grandmother talking in Spanglish (Spanish and English).  They are saying “Too much toilet paper” and “Why didn’t he say anything to anyone?”  This was a few hours ago and we are still waiting for the freakin plumber.  This is why I don’t like having people stay with us for any amount of time; because something either gets broken, or clogged, or too much of something at once is eaten or whatever.  I will repeat myself from previous posts and say that these relatives treat our apartment like some kind of free hotel, with free food and maid service because none of them pick up after themselves.  Sometimes they don’t even take their dirty dishes to the sink.  They’ll just finish eating, get up and leave the plates there on the table.

No Vacancy!!!!!

Since my family treats our apartment as a hotel, I suggest that we hang that sign outside our door.  They only come here to have a place to stay and eat for free while they are in the city.  They try to play it off as coming to see us, but they spend the majority of everyday that they are here sightseeing, and when they come home they watch TV, either in my grandmother’s room or outside, or they are on the computer.  They don’t interact with us in any way, which I actually don’t have a problem with because I don’t want them here to begin with, but it still pisses me off.

I’m never inconvenience directly, always indirectly.  For instance, I am never inconvenienced because I personally have to accommodate someone else, I just have to deal with them being here to begin with.  No one ever asks me to do something that I don’t want to do because they know that I will flat out tell them “No!” and not feel bad about it.  I have no problem being a nasty shrew when I think someone is being inconsiderate, like my uncle and his kids are being.  Really, they couldn’t wait a day or two to come until my brother left, or if they had to come now they couldn’t stay at my uncle Ness’ house with his four empty bedrooms?

I hate when they come because we have to buy milk every single day.  A gallon of milk lasts three days when it’s just us, and we buy milk on the fourth day. With them, it’s everyday, and they don’t contribute anything to the house. Their stuff is always all over the place and it’s just annoying.  I asked my mother when they were leaving and she said she didn’t know.  Typical.  They call us to tell us that they are coming after they have already left their house and are on their way here, and then they don’t even have the common decency to tell us how long they will be freeloading, uh, I mean, staying with us.  Everyone thinks that I am joking when I say this, but I am absolutely serious when I say that when I have my own place, there will be no overnight visitors.  None!  Don’t even ask because the answer will always be “NO!”

Really, What Is It With People

So I have my brother and my two nieces here until Saturday.  After that, my oldest niece will stay on for the rest of the month and my brother and my other niece will go back to Michigan.  Tomorrow we are going to see my brother M in another part of the state.  My mother just told me that my grandmother will be staying home because my uncle and two of his children left Florida today to come stay here.  They had told us they would be coming to visit, but they didn’t tell us exactly when because they didn’t know themselves.  They know that we have three people here already, but that didn’t stop them.  So basically we will be having nine people all together in a tiny two bedroom apartment.  I swear, sometimes I feel like I’m back in my mother’s childhood when she was poor.

This is bullshit.  I am so sick of people being so fucking inconsiderate.  The bedrooms are already filled to capacity, so the three of them will have to camp out like bums in the living room.  My uncle Ness, who only lives an hour and a half away from here, has four empty bedrooms.  I am so sick of the out of town family members who inconvenience us by coming to stay with us when they know that we don’t have the room for them.  They try to play it off as them coming to visit family, but what it really is is they are coming to see big, exciting New York City (oh give me a break) and they want a place to stay and eat for free.  Fucking parasites.  My mom is always telling me “People like to explore when they come to NYC and there is nothing to do upstate”.  Well then let them get a fucking hotel room like everyone else who wants to “explore” in NYC.  Even if my uncle and his two children have to stay here for a few days, the very least that they could do would be to stay at my uncle Ness’ house for a day or two until my brother leaves.  But of course that would be the considerate thing to do and this family doesn’t know the meaning of the word “considerate”. Assholes!

Oh Happy Day

I am actually somewhat happy for once.  My brother V and his daughters A and B came to visit for a few days.  They live in Michigan and we only get to see them once a year.  I wish that my aunt in Michigan could have come and taken my grandmother back with her for a few weeks like she used to do, that way this family could actually spend their time together in peace.  I feel bad for my mom, A and B because they have to sleep in the same room as my grandmother.  I hope that she doesn’t start that frickin sleep talking, or if she does, that they are able to ignore it and get some sleep.  My brother will be sharing a room with me.

I am so glad that my grandmother went to her room at 8:00 to watch her Spanish soap operas and left us alone.  The way I feel about family is this.  I don’t appreciate outsiders.  I don’t even mean people who aren’t related to us. My brother has a few friends that he has known since he was a little kid and those friends are like family.  I guess what I mean by “outsiders” are people who don’t really fit into the family dynamic.  My grandmother is a very vain and selfish person.  She always has to be the center of attention.  It’s almost like dealing with a child, but even children learn that you need to stop being so selfish.

My mother and I were talking earlier.  My mother was worried because my grandmother “remembers things wrong”.  For instance, my mother will tell her some news that one of the neighbors let us know about her family.  My mother will of course tell my grandmother, because there is no reason not to.  My grandmother will then re-tell the story, with herself in the starring role.  She will be the one the neighbor confided in.  She will be the one who comforted our neighbor.  My mother will gently correct her, because she really believes that my grandmother has trouble remembering these things, and my grandmother will get angry and insist that she is the one the neighbor confided in.  I told my mother that this isn’t a new thing, and it isn’t my grandmother’s memory failing.  This is the unnatural need that my grandmother has to be the star of the show.  She has always been this way.  To her, her recollections of things are perfectly correct because she is the most important person in the world. Nobody listens to my grandmother because they know, from personal experience, that things probably happened very differently than from what my grandmother said.

My brother and nieces got here a little bit before 7:30.  First off my grandmother gets B in this crushing hug.  B is only six years old and she has hardly seen my grandmother so she is freaked out.  I asked her if I could have a hug and it was a very gentle hug, and she talks to me all the time on the phone and has seen me every year.  They hadn’t eaten dinner yet so my mother told them we still had plenty of food.  My brother went down to find a parking space, and A served herself some food.  B wanted to wait for her dad to eat.  My brother came upstairs after a few minutes and he and my mom were deciding what to serve B.  This isn’t a private conversation.  They are having this discussion right there in front of all of us.  My grandmother cuts in with “V?  V?!?!!?!!!!  Why don’t you make her eat something?”  Um.  What the f**k do you think they were just discussing?  Again, this is my grandmother’s unnatural need to have everyone’s attention focused on her, and for her to be the one to decide everyone else’s business.

I was telling my mother that this is the only time that I have been genuinely happy in I can’t even remember how long.  I am so enjoying spending time with my family as a family.  I would be happier if my grandmother was at my aunt’s house in Michigan so that we could really enjoy ourselves, but I’m getting off topic.  This is the type of family life that I want.  It is so refreshing not to feel angry and full of rage all of the time.  This makes me realize that I am actually a nice person.

I love my two nieces very much and I have already promised myself that if my grandmother even tries to dictate A’s life in any way that I will speak up.  I’ve kept silent in the face of her obnoxious behavior out of respect for my mother, because even though my mother knows what my grandmother is like, it still upsets her when my grandmother and I have our issues.  However, if she even tries to chastise A for something stupid or just in general, I will speak up.  She is not Lord and emperor of everyone else’s lives.  I will not allow her to make anyone else that I love unhappy.  My mother is an adult and she could put a stop to my grandmother’s behavior if she so chose, but if she starts her nonsense with children, that’s when I’m jumping in there.

My issues with my grandmother run deeper than stupid things like her closing the bathroom door or any other stupid things similar to that.  It is basically the way she is as a person, and how she treats other people, and it isn’t nice.

Street Harassment in the Ghetto

I look at a lot of street harassment blogs, websites, articles, etc.  All of them say that they will edit out or not post things that refer to the race of the harasser.  I notice that this does not apply when the harasser is white.  I can’t count the number of times I have seen something like “As a woman of color I was offended because of the racial aspect to it of when white men abused women of color.” Since this is my blog, I won’t censor myself in that way.  That is not to say that I, in any way, condone using racial slurs, but I feel that race does play a very important part in street harassment.  Not always, but a lot of the time.

I live in a mostly black and Hispanic neighborhood.  My dad is “white”, but my mom is Hispanic.  I have my dad’s skin tone and features.  Very few people peg me as part Hispanic.  Anyway, there is this one particular guy in the neighborhood who seems to single me out for street harassment, like it’s some enormous compliment.  I hate men who talk to strange women with that offensive familiarity.

I was coming home from my evening walk.  I was about to cross the street when I see him talking to a car that was stopped at a stoplight.  I stayed on the side of the street that I was on hoping that he wouldn’t see me.  I was half way down the block when I hear him say in this loud voice “Oh.  The white girl”.  Why are people in this neighborhood incapable of talking in a normal voice?  Why must everything be shouted?  Now it is possible that he was talking about some other white girl, but considering that I am one of the only white girls in the neighborhood, it was highly improbable.  Anyway, I get a little more down the block when he catches up to me and starts trying to talk to me about why I can’t say hi, if I have plans, why not, etc.  I tell him, without stopping that I don’t have plans because I don’t like people.  He says in this sleazy, slimy voice “Well people like you”.  I told him “Well then people can go f**k themselves” and kept walking.

This guy really pisses me off.  One time last week he was with some guy and he saw me and told the guy “That’s my girl”.  I smiled and said “No.  I am not”.  I humor this guy because one time I politely told him to stop referring to me as “Baby girl” and he got angry and started screaming at me.  He wouldn’t stop even though I was all the way down the block and then he started making a rooster noise.  What is that supposed to mean anyway?  It irritates me when he tells people that I’m his girl or whatever because they might actually believe it.  It offends me that someone might actually believe that I would go out with someone like that.  It’s not even a racial thing.  It’s that he is so repugnant.  One time he was talking to me and was essentially bragging that he had to go to court that morning.  Oh you charmer!  What I wouldn’t give to have a man like you as my boyfriend.

One time he came into this pizza place in the neighborhood as I was leaving, ordered a slice and told the guy he wouldn’t have enough money to pay for it.  The pizza guy got angry and told ghetto guy not to come in there anymore unless he had enough money. I’m guessing he had done that before.  Anyway, ghetto guy actually says “It’s ’cause I’m black, right?  It’s because I got nappy hair”.  Yeah, that’s it.  Idiot.

My ex boyfriend and his family have a store in the neighborhood, a few doors down from the pizza place.  Ghetto guy is banned from the store because when we were going out, A (the ex) told me that ghetto guy went in there and was being disruptive and belligerent, and when A told him to knock it off, ghetto guy started making derogatory remarks about Arabs.  A didn’t tell me what he said, but I think we all can guess.  A then told him to get the f**k out and never come into the store again.

I Bow Down To The Master

I am referring to my mother.  This ties in with yesterday’s post.  I was posting about how much I admired my mother for just being able to completely tune out the things that she finds unpleasant.  Today I got to see that in action.

Now I just want to say that I won’t be able to change completely.  I still rolled my eyes and tightened my jaw with my grandmother today.  I truly believe that this woman is in love with the sound of her own voice.  She says really obvious things in this all-knowing way.  It’s like “Thank you Confuscious.  Now have a seat.”  But I am proud to report that I haven’t once felt today the intense dislike that I normally feel whenever I am around my grandmother or even when I think of her.

Anyway, my mother and I were having our breakfast, coffee and bread, and my mother was reading the newspaper.  My grandmother has this irritating habit of even though a person is clearly reading something or their attentions are otherwise engaged, my grandmother has to intrude with meaningless chit chat.  Just another way that she has to have everyone’s attention focused on her.  It used to drive me crazy when my grandmother did that to me.  (The fact that she didn’t even like me, but still had to have my attention focused on her also drove me crazy).  My mother, on the other hand, let her blather on endlessly, not even glancing up from her newspaper.  It didn’t matter.  My grandmother just kept going on and on.  Finally, she walks away.  As soon as she walks away, I say to my mother with admiration in my voice and eyes “I am impressed!  Really!  That’s amazing!  You just completely tuned her out!”.  My mother laughs, but quietly so my grandmother won’t hear.  I say to her “May I please shake your hand?”.  She laughs again and shakes my hand.  And that, ladies and gentleman, is why my mother is awesome.

Becoming A More Positive Person

Most of my posts have been absolutely filled with venom.  Venom against my grandmother, venom against the management of the co-op that I live in.  Just venom aimed at everybody.  Now whether or not these people deserve this venom (and most of them absolutely do) is besides the point.  Some of my favorite bloggers have blogs that portray their problems, if they ever write about them, in a laid back, almost humorous way.  I’ve basically been using this blog as a sort of sounding board to vent all my pent up frustrations.  I can’t talk to my mother about the thing that angers me the most and when I try to talk to my dad I can barely get a sentence out before he tells me that it’s not nice to feel that way.  I would never tell someone that they shouldn’t feel a certain way or that it’s wrong to feel a certain way for two reason.  One, because it invalidates the person’s feelings and makes them bury their emotions even deeper within themselves.  Two, because if a person feels that strongly about something or someone, then chances are the other person deserves it in some way.  But I’m getting off the topic which is about me becoming a more positive person.

The fact is that I’m stuck here, at least until the end of next summer when I will finally (hopefully!) have my degree.  Then I will have researched other options and be starting to put those plans into effect.  Actually, I’m already researching other options.  I’m going to be more constructive.  I’m going to try to learn a new language, like I have been wanting to for years.  I’m going to stop letting a certain someone get my stress level up.  I just have to do what my mother does when she is in what could be a stressful situation.  She just totally tunes it all out.  Really.  It’s amazing to see.  No matter what is going on around her, with the way that she tunes everything and everyone out, it’s like it isn’t even going on at all.  I will definitely have to start using that tactic.  I realize now what it is. It is a survival tactic.  I’ve turned into a bitter, angry person because I have just been letting the anger eat away at my soul.  From now on, I will employ this strategy to become a calmer, nicer person.

I Have To Learn To Ignore

I was in Florida last weekend for my cousin T’s wedding.  It was great and I had a lot of fun.  T’s daughters are so cute and I miss them so much.  I am a person of routine, so I was slightly stressed out from being away from my routine, but I was so happy to be out of NYC and away from my grandmother.  I’m telling you, when I don’t have to deal with her, my stress level goes way down.

When I was in Florida I felt mostly calm and relaxed.  I am a nervous flier, so my skin was crappy that first day, but by the time I left it was looking pretty good.  My skin hasn’t gotten bad again, thank God, but it doesn’t look as good as it did in Florida.  Maybe it’s the water over there, which did dry out my hair something fierce, or maybe it’s just that there is no stress over there, just family members having a good time.

When the plane landed here in NYC I felt a little sad, and I felt sad when I was in the cab going home, and I started crying a little when I walked through the door.  My mom came into the hall to meet me and when I was talking to her, I knew she was going to tell me to say hi to grandma, so before she could say anything, I said over my shoulder “Hi grandma” and went back to talking to my mom.  I was so upset at being here again that my mom and I actually went out for a walk later at 9:00 at night, which my mom never does.  She never goes out at night, especially not if she’s already in her nightgown.

My mom says that I get upset over little things (with my grandmother), but it’s not that.  It’s the fact that these “little things” happen all the time and all at once too.  The bathroom door thing.  There is no ventilation in there.  When it is not in use, leave the fucking door all the way open, especially after a shower.  My grandmother went in there and she saw that I still had my hair in the towel.  The bathroom is only a few steps away from my door, so she couldn’t not see it.  Anyway, when she comes out she closes the door all the way.  What the fuck is wrong with this woman?  I’m not asking for anything unreasonable.  She just has to try and prove to herself that she is in charge.  I wish that someone would let her know that that is not true because if it wasn’t for my mother, I truly believe that she would be in a nursing home because none of her children want to deal with being a constant caretaker for her.

I’m so sick of my mom telling me that I have to learn to deal with other people (meaning my grandmother), when my grandmother just gets to do whatever the fuck she wants to do.  For instance, I always have to ask them if they have to use the bathroom before I take a shower, which I have no problem doing.  I would do it anyway because it’s just polite to ask.  My grandmother on the other hand doesn’t do that.  She rarely asks and a lot of times, my mother and I have to use the bathroom and we don’t know she’s taking a shower until we hear the water running.

As I’ve mentioned, the thing that makes me despise her the most is how my mother puts her before everyone else in this family.  I’m not talking about myself.  I’m an adult.  It pisses me off, but I can deal.  I’m talking about my two nieces.  My mother only gets to see them once a year as it is because they live in Michigan.  My grandmother has to make things so difficult for my mother because my grandmother doesn’t like staying at my uncle Ness’, which means that my mother won’t be able to see her own grandchildren because we can’t leave my grandmother here by herself.  She can’t even walk without holding on to my mother. My mother even gets annoyed with her.  She told me one time “For two weeks out of the year, she can’t just help me out?”  I keep telling my mom to tell my grandmother that.  I tell my mom that she really needs to lay down the law and stop coddling my grandmother and letting her run everything.

Now my mother is worrying because my uncle is going to Michigan at the end of July, so he said he would drive us there.  The thing is, he’s only going to be up there for a few days and then he’s going to come back.  My mother is worried that my grandmother is going to come back with my uncle and that she’ll be by herself.  (My uncle is going on vacation that’s why staying with him isn’t being discussed.  Also she “refuses” to stay there, so it wouldn’t matter if he was going to be home).  I’m all for respecting your parents, but when you are dependent on someone else, you don’t get to dictate anything.  I’m so sick of people letting her get away with her behavior.  That’s why she is so ungrateful and demanding, and freaks out when her “authority” is challenged, like with me.  I don’t go out of my way to be rude to her, but I don’t let her walk all over me.  One day I’m really going to tell her off for how she treats my mother.  I almost did when she actually had the nerve to criticize my mother to some other family members, and over something stupid.  You see what I mean?  Ungrateful.  My mother does everything for this woman and she doesn’t even appreciate it.

I somewhat agree with my mother over my getting upset over little things, but I stand by my statement that it is really a culmination of things.  My grandmother’s latest thing is with the scale.  We have a scale in our bathroom. Not like the scales that you buy at the store, but similar to doctor’s scale, but without the little jigger thingies, but it has that long neck.  Anyway, lately when I’ve come into the bathroom, the scale is practically pushed against the towel rack.  At first I thought it was just a one time thing, but this is almost every time she comes out of the bathroom.  I asked my mother what was grandma’s problem with the scale and my mother said she thinks grandma might have almost tripped on it.  Oh give me a fucking break.  We’ve had that scale for at least seven years.  Now she’s almost tripping over it?

I hate being this way.  I’m not saying I was some bubbly, happy all the time girl like my cousin T.  I had my little, uh, quirks, lol, but basically I was a nice person.  I hate the way that I feel about someone else.  I hate the way that when I’m here I always seem to be angry about something.  I only have a year to go until I finish my degree, but I’ve been dealing with this for nine years.  If I ever have kids, I never want them to be in this type of environment.  Thank God that my mother is a wonderful woman so I would never have to worry about that.  I just want to be somewhere else now.  My cousin T mentioned something about me living with them.  She could have just been being polite, but honestly with T you never know.  More often than not she is being genuine and not just polite.

Maybe I Should Have More Jon and Kate Posts.

But I’m not going to.  Seriously people.  Is that really all that interests you?  Now I’m the first to admit that my posts aren’t the most exciting, but since I’m not working and school is out, there really isn’t anywhere for me to go.  Even when I try to have topics that inspire discussion, such as my recent posts on street harassment, I get a few page views.  The most popular topics of mine are the posts on the freaking Gosselin family.  No wonder this family won’t go away.  Why should they when people are clearly obsessed with them.

Catcalling Myth

This is one of many catcalling myths that I hear about, but this one has always ticked me off the most, and it’s always said by men.  I say “always said by men” because no woman would utter a sentence this stupid.  First off, to state the obvious, women hate catcalling.  It is not a compliment.  It is a way of reducing a woman to an object instead of treating her like a person.  Even things that men think are complimentary or no big deal are annoying to a woman who has had to deal with all that nonsense from almost the minute she steps out on the street.  Why are you talking to strange women on the street?  This isn’t a bar or club or wherever people go to meet other people.  Why are you bothering a woman you don’t even know?  She’s not wearing a sign that says “I have no self-esteem and therefore need ‘compliments’ from strange men”.

The myth that I am referring to is the one where men say “If the woman thinks the man talking to her is ugly then he’s harassing her, but if the woman thinks the man talking to her is good looking then he’s complimenting her”.  Oh give me a break!  I think that this is something that loser men say to themselves to explain why they can’t get a woman, not even considering the fact that they are being disrespectful.  Just like men who complain about being too nice and how women only want men who treat them like dirt, but that’s a whole different post that I will get to another time, believe me.  If the woman, or someone else, tells them that they are being disrespectful and that the women don’t appreciate it, then we are accused of being stuck up, too sensitive or a number of other things that harassers use to justify their behavior.  Let me just explain this once and for all to all those lame brained men out there.  Harassment is never acceptable.  No matter what you look like, if you are being disrespectful then you are not good looking.  Even if a woman originally thought of you as good looking, disrespectful behavior would make you ugly to her.  

Because men are shallow creatures (not all of them) they expect women to be that shallow.  Men are visual creatures.  Women are too, I won’t deny that, but to a lesser extent.  To women, looks do matter but they are really of secondary importance.  It’s an initial attraction but if it’s followed up by bad manners or stupidity then looks aren’t enough for a woman to continue the relationship.  Men on the other hand consider looks to be the main attraction in a woman.  She is a shiny trophy to be shown to all their friends.  Yes, I realize that all men are not like this, but in my experience, a vast amount of men are like that.  

Catcalling men are the lowest of the low.  They don’t care how the women that they are shouting at, or whose space they are invading feel.  I don’t know whether to feel disgust or feel sorry for these women that actually think that men don’t really understand how it makes a woman feel.  Despite how they are acting, these men are not children.  They know right from wrong.  On what planet does shouting at a woman or making degrading comments, or just generally making a woman uncomfortable be deemed acceptable behavior?  A lot of these women say that they want to ask how these men how they would feel if someone talked that way to their mother, sister, aunt, etc.?  A posting that I was reading (and I wish I could remember who said it and where) said that of course these men would be upset because it’s being said to their women, their property.  How dare you speak to their women.  It has nothing to do with respecting women and everything to do with claiming ownership of women that they think of as theirs.

Men always try to say that they don’t know what women find offensive.  Well let’s get rid of the obvious.  Shouting things at women in the street, making degrading comments to women, invading a woman’s space, not taking no for an answer.  These are things that any idiot should realize is offensive to women.  I hate when men make remarks about a woman’s body or what she’s wearing.  Men say that they are just trying to start a conversation.  Why oh why does every “conversation” have to start with observations about a woman’s body?  It’s not cute.  Seriously, anytime some douche tries that with me I tell them that I’m not interested and I always think to myself “I don’t even know you.  Why are you being so familiar with me”?  Personally I think that approaching women in the street is always a bad idea.  People are in the street because they are on their way somewhere.  They either don’t have the time or they don’t want to start a conversation with a strange man.  Leave them alone!  The problem is that men do not know how to take a hint.  If a man makes eye contact with a woman they automatically think “Oh she totally wants me”.  If men make eye contact with a woman and she gives you a dirty look or dismisses you by looking away, don’t continue to stare at her.  Staring is rude.  Do not try to start a conversation with her.  She has already non verbally told you by dismissing you with her eyes, that your advances are not welcome.

I hate when men act like we are obligated, and should be happy to respond to their “compliments” or conversation.  ”Damn.  What a rude bitch!  All I did was say ‘Good morning’”.  Well maybe she has had a bunch of other men say “Good morning” to her. More importantly, what men fail to realize, is that a woman is not obligated to respond to you, no matter how “nice” you are being.  You are a stranger.  She doesn’t owe you a thing.  Also, here is the problem with the whole “Good morning” thing.  If the woman responds to you with a “Good morning” men take that as encouragement to continue with a conversation.  Now the woman has to figure out a way to tell you to take a hike without you acting like a jerk and cursing her out and making her fear for her safety.  

Men always complain that women are bitches because they are so rude when they turn them down.  There are many reasons for this.  One is that chances are (pretty good) that she has had to run the gauntlet of catcalling douches and she doesn’t feel like dealing with one more.  Another is that men do not listen to any polite rejections.  They just try harder, or they don’t hear them because they only hear what they want to hear.  If a woman does engage in (disinterested) conversation with a man because she doesn’t want to be rude, then men think of her as a bitch for “leading them on”.  A woman can’t win.  Either she is a tease or a rude bitch.